Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self. Cyril Connolly (1903 - 1974)
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6/22/09

My soul in knots.

My soul is in turmoil. I'm in a spiritual battle and it's a battle because I want to please my Lord, I want to be submerged into his word and have him direct my life, but I'm' selfish and I don't give all....
And I'm reaping the fruits of this with desperate little prayers strewn here and there and unconscious rehearsed thank you's to God for the glimpse of sunsets that saw me, because I was too busy to see it, but actually got a glimpse, or for the mere little thing of seeing my child's little hands as she washes up. Those adorable, tiny little hands that will do so much in her lifespan. They are prayers, but what about actually spending time alone really talking, thanking God.

I must be giving my all to God in everything, wherever I am. Yet I fail miserably because I'm selfish. I'm selfish with my time. There's always something better to do that needs to be done now. Yet I forget who gives me this precious time.

My soul, oh my soul cries out for His water, for peace, for growth, for life, to be refreshed like after the rain.
Emotionally I feel bereft. My marriage is on a knife blade and can fall either way. Trust was broken again and I feel to retreat to that place that protects me as I did my whole life growing up in those orphanages. Yet I am conflicted because now it's no longer just me. Not only have I promised myself not to retreat anymore and face things as they happen, but I have children to think about and a marriage that, with all my heart, I'd love to see flourish and grow, yet I am numb as to even want to put forth the effort to prune, water, feed this union right now. I am numb.
It would be so easy to focus on the children, but then it still wouldn't be a wise easy.

Maybe it is harder because I am not in control as much as I'd love to be in control. I know it is harder because I am selfish, but at what point is it self preservation instead of just mere selfishness?

...something's gotta give...


....I'll begin with praying....


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9 comments :

  1. Oh! I am sorry to hear your sadness. I will be praying for you--life can be so hard sometimes.

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  2. Your post Was a prayer. It is worth it. Keep on keeping on. I have been where you are -- I go there sometimes still. So many seem to have it so much easier. But it Is worth it. God bless you for reaching out.

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  3. You are a smart woman to turn to prayer and surrender yourself to the Lord. Though His mercy and Word you will find your answers and comfort. I am so sorry to hear you are conflicted and saddened.

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  4. Oh Colette, we are both going through similar struggles.
    First, I will pray for your marriage. I am so sorry you are struggling. I pray things improve... Remember marriage takes work, even a marriage founded on God. It's hard to want to put in the effort, but He requires it, and we know it's worth it!
    As far as selfishness, this is where I feel so connected to you. Your words mirror my thoughts. I feel so spiritually numb sometimes, and I long to feel His spirit pour over me the way I have in times past. But when I don't give Him the time He requires (and DESERVES!), I suffer. It is so difficult, but you are right. All we've been given is from Him, and the "things" that we choose to spend our time on mean nothing when it comes to our eternal salvation!
    I'll keep you in my prayers, and I know you will do the same for me.
    Thank you for your honestly and openness... It has helped me tremendously!

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  5. Praying for you, praying for the Father to take control and steer you both to peace and wholeness~

    Blessings~

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  6. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I've been married for 28 years and I know there can be good times and bad. Stay strong and trust in God that he will answer your prayers.

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  7. Thank you for your open and honest post. You are a strong, beautiful woman and God loves you as you are. I pray that you will find peace and clarity soon. Please remember to love yourself. Especially when others are not acting in a loving way toward you. Love and take care of yourself and your soul so that you can take care of your babies. Give all you honestly can to your marriage but do not sacrifice your soul. You can not save someone else.

    Blessings and {hugs} to you. Hang in there!
    Melissa

    http://eclecticschooling.blogspot.com

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  8. Praying for you this evening as you go through this struggle. I can relate to your soul searching. I often do the same thing. So hard to understand why I don't give more time to God when I know that this is where my soul finds rest and peace. The amazing thing is, he is always there for us. We need to make the choice to let him in- to continue to let the relationship grow. I'll pray for you and your family.

    God Bless,
    Jen

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  9. Bless your heart. Thank God for Jesus - He is in control!

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