Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self. Cyril Connolly (1903 - 1974)


Something is hurting me

Sometimes they come unexpected and hard. Leaving me gasping for air and my legs giving out from under me. I'm crying and my mouth is wide open and it feels like I need to scream but sometimes no sound comes out. Then I force myself to shut down. 

Memories and Tears. They come in so many ways.

The husband is in his room with his computer. 

The kids are playing all around the house.

I'm standing there washing dishes and making dinner and that's when it happens. Just out of the blue.

I think it has something to do with the sudden influx of all of them popping up on facebook and finding me and telling others they found me and sending me friend requests. They bring back the memories of those times.

I ask myself why did it have to be that way. Why did I have to go to bed hungry and afraid. Afraid that men would break in and rape me. Afraid that a fire would break out and no one would be able to rush down from the house up front in time to open the padlock on the grill/door and let us out. Afraid that there would be a flood and we'd already be in our graves because of that padlock that kept us in.

*Sadly, many years after I left, I was shocked to learn that there was indeed a fire that burned that orphanage to the ground. It suffocate me to think about it. I'm so glad no one was hurt badly. And I'm glad I was not there*

There are times when your worse fears do come through.

Why did I have to steal to have something to eat. 

Why did I have to be a sprinter to ensure that I'd get my dinner and it was not eaten by other children. All of us, huddled around our plates like ferocious dogs, protecting our life source. 
It doesn't taste good. 
We know that rats (huge ones) and roaches lived in the kitchen and pantry/store room all night, yet we don't think of that. We are just happy to eat.

*The rat traps doesn't work, so we chase rats around the yard, in the kitchen, in the dorms, in the store room/pantry and catch them and extinguish them*

Being afraid to sleep. Another girl might stab me in my slumber because i didn't give them my food, or soap or pencil. Or because they are pissed that I stood up to them for another smaller child, or that I got the shower they wanted first.....

The memories come pouring in viciously and robs me of everything and I force myself to shut it all out because I will not lose control.

Once in awhile I'll howl in pain, but always afterward I just feel hallow, alone, cold.

I can't remember all the faces of the many girls I knew in the orphanages that I've stayed in, but the names always ring in my mind and I wonder where they are and what have become of them. I can sometimes hear the workers reeling the names off at roll call to ensure no one ran away or is missing, or hiding outside to run away when all was quiet. Or roll call to collect your soap and toothpaste and toilet paper and lotion for the month. Or roll call for......

But one by one they seem to be popping up on facebook and I am glad to see them. They are family. It's not really explainable. They just are because we've been 'there'. So it's like meeting again a long lost family member. 

But right now I'm not handling something well. I'm not sure what is causing the pain. I don't even know why the memories makes me cry so much or feel so much. 

I don't know.....

...He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." Rev 21:4

About the author: Owner of JamericanSpice. Sharing my journey in the present, from the past or thoughts for my future. Mom of two who loves to travel and read and decipher people.
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  1. Oh, my gosh I can't even imagine and it makes me mad at myself when a whine over such trivial stuff.

    My life has been too easy compared to others and it makes me wonder, the big WHY?

    All I can offer to you right at this moment is a virtual hug and know that you have touched me by sharing your story.

  2. WOW, Colette, that was so well-written. I felt your pain just reading this.

    This happens to me too, although for different reasons.

    Great post

  3. hey great blog. u write soo well.
    I am def gonna be back for new posts.
    Do visit me if u get a chance

  4. I'm so sorry Colette (((Hugs)))

  5. That's all just so very very wrong ... and the facebook thing ... like a survivor's group of sorts ... wishing you peace through this ... inner peace ... deep breath ... and big hugs ...

  6. You write so well! WOW you have had a hard past. It makes me want to cry :(!
    Wish I could give you some comfort or a hug.

  7. (((HUGS))) You must be so strong, Colette. What horrible things to have survived. I am so glad you are here, writing. You are a blessing to me. I pray Blessings over you and your family today:)

  8. You are such an inspiring person, overcoming adversity and being brave enough to face your painful memories.

    It's ok to feel this way, I mean, you've had so many years of fending for yourself there, it's natural to continue to have these memories and feelings. The good thing about feelings is that they come and go, bad ones being replaced by good and vice versa.

    I wish I could give you a hug through the computer sweet girl.

  9. Oh Colette, my heart breaks for you, I was abused as a child and I understand "it" just sneaks up and gets you. I know I did not go through the things you did but I do understand not being able to say what it is that makes you just want to sob uncontrollably in the hopes that all will be better. Just take a deep breathe and know that you are loved and protected by your husband and kids and most of all by God!
    Hang in there and if you need someone to talk to please know I am here to listen and help if I can.
    Big HUGGSS

  10. This, I can not even begin to imagine Colette! I am so sorry that you, or anyone ever had to go through any of this. Please know that I am lifting you and the others up in prayer.

  11. Continued prayers for you Colette! You are such a strong woman in spite of all of the horrible things you had to endure growing up. You've made something amazing of yourself, and I am inspired by you! God hears our prayers, and I know He holds you in His hands. Big HUGS!!!

  12. I can not even imagine. I am so sorry you had to live through all that.

  13. Oh my, my heart is breaking for you Colette! That must be terrible times to have creep into your mind.
    Hug your family and know that you are in a happier, safer place right now.
    Thinking of you a ton,


  14. The memories are all rushing back to you and I can see how it would be overwhelming! You probably have a lot of unresolved feelings about those years. There's a lot of hurt and pain and I'm sure you still have healing to do.

    I'm sorry. (((hugs))) Luv you!

  15. Thinking of you and hoping you're well!


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