Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self. Cyril Connolly (1903 - 1974)


When Life And Emotions Come Full Circle

A most awful thing has dawned on my life this week. 

When I was single and just left the orphanage and trying to make a way for myself, I couldn't afford to rent my own place, so I was living with a woman. She gave me a back room and I could use the bathroom and kitchen etc. I paid her rent. 

It was such a sad little room really. A sad life. But it was ok. I had a place to live and I was working in the day and going to school at night to make up credits to go to college. However I never wanted to go home. She could be such a difficult person and I felt uncomfortable around her. I felt like when I was there, I was taking up her space and that just my presence was also making her uncomfortable. 

Of course there are times when things were good and the living environment wasn't unwelcoming. 

If she was not going to be there , I'd clean the whole house and take care of her plants and her yard. I shared in all the work.  But somehow it just seems as if I didn't belong there. 

I was very poor and many days I only had bread, butter and water to survive on.

Sometimes I'd get bread and sardines instead and yes sometimes she'd offer me some of her meals. She did have her good ways or maybe she just felt sorry for me, seeing that I didn't cook at all.

But yes, many times I stayed out as late as possible, letting the time pass so that when I get home, it would be just time enough to take a shower and go to bed. 
I would leave school and go back to work even though I wasn't getting overtime. But work was kinda safe. 

I eventually left her place. It was a relief but also terrifying (long story) 

Anyway this week I've had that same feeling on my heels and the other day I had a full evening out with the kids. Library, store, park and washing the car. I felt that I didn't want to go home because maybe my presence is making my husband uncomfortable. 
I felt if he got home and just got to enjoy his home for a bit, it would be good, a relief for him.
I hate for anyone to feel that way around me and so I always take myself away, but this time I'm not alone. I have children. 

This husband of mine work hard for his home and he should never have to feel any sort of unwelcome feeling when he open his door. 

I could be wrong. I can't speak for what he feels, but this is the feeling that is over me again. 

Maybe it's just because we are struggling and maybe I'm beginning to shut down, but it just hurts so bad and it's like in a way, my life has come full circle again and not in a good way. 

These many years we've been married I'd had the hardest of times to accept that anything here is mine. I'm just not built that way. I never had anything and I know that you must work for what is yours. This would explain while I do love being a SAHM to my kids, I yearn for independence of sorts. Being able to work and contribute financially to our household. 

Right now I don't really have a career and The two very important things I have right now is being a mother and wife and if I fail at these, I will have wasted most of my life. 

Yes I know about counting your blessings, but that does not make what I'm going through any less. 

The hopeful thing is, we are going to counseling and I hope it works for us, because this feels like the last push that I can manage. 

I just want him to be contented and happy and have someone who loves him how he needs to be loved and without the regrets. 

I'd hate to be a stumbling block to his life. 

But alas everything is so complicated. But it also hurts so much. 

I know when you are going through the storm, it's hard to see the end, but it usually come ja. 

I believe that God values the marriage institution and will help us as we try. I just need the hope.

C'est la vie 

*Not sure what is happening and not that I don't value your comments but I'm awfully sure I disabled comments on this post. I even re-checked. I have no idea how this is happening and I don't even use disqus* 

About the author: Owner of JamericanSpice. Sharing my journey in the present, from the past or thoughts for my future. Mom of two who loves to travel and read and decipher people.
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