Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self. Cyril Connolly (1903 - 1974)


I Thought I Was Strong Enough

They always say, you know when you get over something because it no longer bothers you, make you cry, has any grip on you.

It's been about nine years since I've known my mother. I love her. I'm so glad God brought her into my life, but even now I can't get to experience a relationship daily with her. She lives in another country.  My children are five and seven and she is missing out on their lives. It feels so unjust.  I try not to think too hard about because I know if I do, I might just keep breaking down. I can't live like that. So I take what I can get and I let it be.

I was watching The Carlina White Story Movie and I could barely see through my tears. It's almost the exact same thing that happened to me.

And just like how it was my aunt who allowed me to be separated from my mother, I feel that I hold her responsible for taking away most of my life.  At the same time, I feel like I dismiss her and have no feelings at all towards her.

I think she should apologize to my mother and to me. If that's the only thing she can do.

But this movie just ripped me out again and I realize that I'm not over it at all. I probably never will be. 23 years of my life with my mother, the most crucial parts are gone.  No memories. No bond. Nothing.

But this start is good. It's a miracle really how we met. I have to thank God. I wouldn't be whole inside, if I hadn't met her.

And God knows all things. He allows....

Maybe one day it just wont hurt so much or wont hurt at all.

Until then I'll handle. He'll help me handle.

About the author: Owner of JamericanSpice. Sharing my journey in the present, from the past or thoughts for my future. Mom of two who loves to travel and read and decipher people. Please read my disclosure 
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  1. Oh honey... hugs to you..
    I was going to watch this, but then forgot it was on tv....

  2. I am understanding more and more about your life, bits and pieces. Everything happened for a reason, although some would argue that certain things don't need to happen. I will see if I can find that movie. It is very sad for you, hope you will find a way to see goodness through it one day, but yes, you can never get back the years you've lost, so don't waste the years ahead. Like you said, try your best to make new memories if possible. Warmest regards,

  3. Thank you Amanda.

    I don't live in that state at all. That movie just hit me hard.
    But now too, I can see (kinda) how my mother felt, by listening to that mother and father speak of their never ending need to find their daughter. And the love that was always there for her.

    It does hurt when I think on it, but I give thanks for the blessing just to know her and therefore have a sense of identity.

    Maybe one day things will change and I"ll be able to share more of her, and with her.

    Thanks hon *HUG*

  4. Thank you Noelle. *HUGS* :)

  5. Hi Colette,
    I am sorry about your experience.I send you my thoughts, prayers and best wishes. Take care and continue being a great mom to your children.

    1. I will Judy.
      Thank you.

      It's the experiences that helps us to be stronger right? And also be able to understand others in the same boat.



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