Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self. Cyril Connolly (1903 - 1974)
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Friday, April 5, 2013

Are You A Reactor or A Responder?

Let's just admit it upfront, I'm a reactor. I get touched, I get turned on, I go full speed to detonation! In short, I blow up easy!

I often laugh at/with my children how quickly they can get puffy about something. I remind them about the scenes in Shark Tale and how Sikes would just blow up at the least bit of annoyance, unable to control his anger and in essence, his emotions.  Whenever I point it out (I always use funny voices and faces) they end up melting into giggles and so soon the puffy is gone and I get to talk to them and we move on with our day instead of wasting it being upset at each other.

But really, I am Sikes.
That is just awful and since I've come to realize I've had so much anger stuffed down inside and now it's coming out whether I want it to or not, I've also have to be learning along with my children, how to handle being angry and emotional. I tell you what; It's NOT easy at all.

Why am I angry?
I know that I never used to get angry at all about anything as a child growing into adulthood. I wasn't allow expressions and so I stuffed it down inside. Sometimes I'd get so hot with anger, I could see green, but I'd just swallow, smile and say: Oh it's not a big deal. No problem at all.
I was very good at it too.

And then I got married.
And now I have children.

I thought I'd still be very good at not being mad, but I have a leak. My dam has full on burst and boy oh boy am I becoming the type of person I do not want to be.

So I set about to work on handling my anger. I can't tell you how many times I've apologized to my children and in doing so, I also ask them to pray for mommy. I have the firm belief that children's prayers are most pure.

A teacher sent home something from their school once about handling anger and I've had it taped to the cupboard in our kitchen. I practice with them as I'm learning. I tell my children that I'm also learning because when I was their age, I did not have the help to decipher and handle my emotions.

So while reading my devotional this morning, Lisa gave five Q and A on how to know if I'm a reactor or  a responder:
When I come unglued I'm a reactor (most of the time) and soon I'll be a better responder. Practice makes better.  And I can see a few signs in myself already over the past few years.

1.  Do I want to escalate this conflict or dissipate it? 
I usually do not want to because I'm not quarrelsome. It's just the fact that when I get angry I want to say very mean things (I usually don't) But I will smash things and give the cold shoulder. I'm not talking about being silent and working things out inside before going back to the table. I'm talking about COLD Russia shoulder!

a. A reactor escalates the conflict
b. A responder dissipates the conflict 

2. Do I want more trouble or more grace in my life? 
Come on. Y'all know which we all want. And yet our reactions always produce trouble.

a. A reactor adds trouble on top of trouble. 
b. A responder adds grace on top of grace

3. Do I want to be known as harsh or gentle? 
Yup. That's what I ask myself all the time. I want my home to be welcoming, which means I want my husband to want to come home and relax.
I want my children to want to come home in a hurry to just be safe and happy and playing. And because this is what I want, I force myself into the habit of change. Remember the two wolves analogy?

a. A reactor either spews emotion or masters the silent treatment
b. A responder give a gentle answer.

4. Do I want to get my own way or help find a resolution? 
I'm all for the resolution, but to be honest, y'all know I'm going for the my own way. Isn't that how we are wired? This is why for peace sake, I've learned it's better to have a resolution, then to have my own way.

a. A reactor only sees things her way. 
b. A responder realizes there are always two sides to every issue.

5. Which do I care more about --demanding my rights or displaying right choices? 
a. A reactor demands her right to be right.
b. A responder is more concerned about making right choices before God.

Are you a reactor or a responder?
And share a tip on how you handle your anger.
  Thursday Two Questions Self Sagacity.com border=
And we are doing the Sillies of course :)
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Fighting on facebook
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Joke -
1st person: How big is the specific' ocean
Ans - Can you be more specific?
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Colette is a busy mom of 2 kids focusing solely on being a mom. She hails from the Caribbean and now balances the full life of being a SAHM and dabbling in odd jobs to help around the home. She enjoys sharing her memories, hopes, food, travel, entertainment, and product experiences on her blog. Please read my disclosure 
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18 comments:

  1. I'm definitely a responder. I avoid conflict like the plague!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I do too, but I also blow up tat! :)

      Delete
  2. I am a responder now, but I used to be a reactor and it wasn't always pretty. I am happy to pray for you too, but I firmly believe once you recognize it and start praying about it, it will be corrected and gone forever. I've seen it happen a million times (and I'm happy to say that :) ).

    It's nice that you shared the list!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Rosey.
      I"m suspicious of myself when I seem too calm under circumstances, but I think maybe it's working :)

      Delete
  3. I am a little of both but mostly I am a responder, I try to stop conflict whenever possible. It takes a lot to make me angry.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for sharing.
      I aspire to be there!

      Delete
  4. Hi Colette ~~ By your questionaire, I definitely am a responder.

    And share a tip on how you handle your anger. I really don't get angry. I cannot remember when, perhaps a little road rage but never to the active stage (unless cutting back in front of the fellow driving no faster than the speed limit in the fast (left) lane counts).
    ..

    ReplyDelete
  5. I guess it depends on the situation in question; if I know without a doubt I'm 110% right about something, I'll fight regardless of my mood. However it really is just that: what mood I'm in.

    I'm currently working on being at peace with things lately and it's working wonderfully! There's still that anger that will flair up, but I'm feeling the emotions, letting them pass, and working through ^.^

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Kayla.
      It sure does depend on the mood!

      Delete
  6. Depends on the situation and my mood, how I am going to react. Some times I blow and other times I sit and think them out before reacting

    ReplyDelete
  7. I am totally a reactor but since having kids I really have worked on it and do not blow up as easily... most of the time!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The kids are whom are helping me to try hard with focusing instead of just being a torch :)
      Thanks Amanda.

      Delete
  8. I try to stay calm by counting to ten and taking three deep breaths. Sounds lame, but it actually helps a lot.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Not lame at all. I count up and down too! And it really helps!

      Delete
  9. It depends on the situation, but i am about 50/50 reactor and responder.

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I appreciate your thoughts - Colette

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