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2/3/14

You Should Kill Your Sister - You Are Beautiful 4Ms #Music

One evening my six year old daughter comes off the school bus in tears. She explained that there is a girl on the bus being mean to her, telling her to get up and move, or don't sit here or there.

I'm heartbroken for my little girl.

I explained to her that sometimes children are mean because their parents don't always enforce certain forms of behaviour at home or give them tools to navigate in the outside world.
I also explain that sometimes kids choose to do wrongs behind their parents and teachers back when they think they wont be caught.
I explain some kids just want to fit in with their friends and thinks it's okay to act big by picking on others.

I told my sweet daughter:
Next time she tells you to move from where you sit. You will state to her as loudly as possible. This is the seat I choose and I will sit here until I reach my stop. You can go find another seat. Or if you feel like moving over in kindness, then you can do so, but only if it's your choice and you didn't do it because you felt afraid.

I explained:
She might not know your name and that's why she tries to call you names. Remind her as loudly as you can. My name is V******* and if you forget, I can always remind you.

I also told my daughter that ignoring someone as if they are not present, can be a most powerful thing to some people. Just talk to other kids and read as if that person trying to bother you isn't there at all.
I gave her lots of little things to try for about two weeks.

I figured it would eventually calm down. Some kids tend to be antagonistic at times. However, this girl's sights seemed to be set on my six year old daughter. She went so far as to tell my daughter not to tell her mother (me) anything because she didn't want to get into trouble.
My daughter is in 1st grade and that other child is in 4th grade. HELLO! (I only learned that later on at the confrontation)

I asked her brother if he knew this girl who is upsetting his sister. He said yes and she is really mean. She also treats her own sister very badly while on the bus.
I think boys sit on the other side or something, because when I asked if he could sit with his sister, he said it wasn't allowed.

After a few weeks my daughter comes home and she is crying. She does not want to be on the bus anymore. She begs for me to drive her to and from school again.
I told her mama is on board and will now help her handle this issue, but if anyone is getting off that bus, it surely will not be her.

She explained that while waiting on the school bus at school, she opened her bag to get a book to read. This same child grabbed a book from my daughter's bag and wouldn't return it. When the v-principal who was right there, got involved, the girl lied that my daughter had given it to her. Why would my daughter give away a library book????

My daughter said the v-principal handled it. But you could tell she was very upset.

I wrote a letter to the principal at school thanking her for getting involved with that matter with the book, and explained the matter on the school bus and my need to have it resolved immediately since it's something that has been ongoing.

The next day, the principal called my daughter to the office and away they went to search for this child who was being consistently antagonistic towards my daughter. (that's how I learned she was in 4th grade) My daughter said, the girl apologized and the principal told my daughter that next time to just come to her if there is a problem and she doesn't have to tell her mother. UM WHAT????? Let me shake that off.

My daughter was upset thinking she was in trouble. Of course if you get called away to go to the principal's office, as a kid, you feel nervous and as if you are in trouble.
I explained to my daughter, that they only wanted to know who this other child was, so they could get the situation worked out, so she wouldn't feel afraid to ride on the school bus.
Before all this, I didn't know the child's name and my daughter wasn't sure of the name so when I wrote my letter, I could only say: "another student."

I also explained to her that anything at all that happens, she must tell her mother. I am her defense first.

I'm thinking that is the end of it. We nailed it without too much uproar and things will move on.

The VERY NEXT DAY my daughter comes home. I asked her if she had any problems on the bus, and she said no.
THEN my son tells me (he is 8) that this same girl, (we'll call her Jill) told him that he should: (And I quote) "YOU SHOULD KILL YOUR SISTER, and if you don't, I will break your fingers!"

Now when he told me that, I thought it was something I didn't hear right. So I asked him to repeat. I asked him if he was sure. I asked him when she said it etc etc etc. And I asked him what did he say to her. My dear son, didn't know what to say to her. He is not used to this kind of evil. I don't think he even understood the gravity of what that child said to him.

Then my vision went black, blue, red, simine, pinnypink etc etc etc. I shook. I cried. I shook. I stopped. I hugged my daughter and I prayed and breathe.
My daughter didn't hear her say it, so I just hugged her.

It was the evening, schools were closed etc. I thanked God for the night to sleep and calm down because I had a monster roaring inside.

I wrote another letter in the morning that I will be coming in for a meeting. I explained what had happened on the school bus and sent the letter urgent to both principal and vice principal.

I dropped the kids off at school. I figured I'd give an hour for them to settle in, and then I'd be in the school office.

Did I mention I was still shaking?

Exactly ONE hour later, the  vice principal called. She said, they just came out of a meeting. Why was I NOT THERE. I specifically said I want a meeting!! My son was called in to say what happened, and so was Jill, but I'm not sure if they were in the meeting together.
She explained that the matter was taken care of and all is done. She said, she cannot share what was decided, but I should rest assure that Jill will not bother my daughter again.
She seem in a rush to get off the phone. I felt cheated. I told her thank you politely and hung up.

I know that if this comes up again, I will just simply go to the police.

A few days pass and my daughter is once again flying off the bus to come greet me with delight instead of tears.
Then one day she brought home a letter. It's a handwritten apology from Jill.

We read it.

A week or so later I didn't hear anything at all about Jill. So I asked my daughter if she was still on the school bus. My daughter said yes, but she doesn't bother her anymore. She is now a ghost. And just like that the storm clouds rumbling and building up stopped.

I'm glad. But whatever had happened. My daughter would not be the one running away from something she did not cause.

I gave it time to stop and it didn't.
I roared just a tiny bit and that was that.

I'm shocked that such a young child, would say something like that. I can't understand it at all.

After awhile I had a sit down with both my kids.
I explain to them, that even as they grow up, there will be other children and even adults who wont like them and even they might not like someone either, but it's always important to show kindness and respect.

2. Kids are mean for many reasons.
Sometimes they didn't get taught any different and why it's important to treat others with care and why it's wrong to hurt them..
Sometimes it makes them feel powerful.
Sometimes it's because someone else was mean to them, but to break that cycle, you have to choose good.

3. Always speak up. Tell your parents or an adult what's happening. Big or little, it's not tattling. If it hurts you then it needs to be stopped.

4.  Bullies like to do things on the sly and hide when they think no one else (adults) can hear or see them. Don't be afraid to speak loudly when you confront a bully. Whether they are harassing you, or picking on some other child. Say it loud so another adult can hear you!

5. Don't ever be the mean kid. And always try to help the other child in trouble. You know what it feels like to be hurt and so you know what the other child is going through.

6. Bullies will threaten you. It will all hurt really bad inside, but there is always help available. But you can only get help, if you speak out on what is happening.

7. Remember the rule of life. You will get what you give. Give good and it will come back to you.

And most importantly. You are beautiful. Behave with beauty.

We had a nice long discussion and they asked questions and explained how they feel




Colette is a busy mom of 2 kids focusing solely on being a mom. She hails from the Caribbean and now balances the full life of being a SAHM and dabbling in odd jobs to help around the home. She enjoys sharing her memories, hopes, food, travel, entertainment, and product experiences on her blog. Please read my disclosure 
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20 comments :

  1. Aww, Colette, I'm so happy you have a happy ending here. How unreal that a 4th grader would even think to say such a thing, and about a precious 6-yr old to boot. Crazy!!!

    I'm glad you got involved. I'm glad it's over. These are the things I hate about sending my kids out into the big, bad world, but you handled it marvelously well!

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    1. Thanks Rosey. I'm happy it's ended too without too much of an uproar. I am still cautious, but I'm glad all seems well.

      It is scary out there, but I couldn't afford for her to run away. As they grow up, things might get worse and when they can't handle it alone, I hope to be there.

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    2. Super dee duper smart to nip it in the bud like you did. I know your kids will appreciate that tenacity of yours when they look back on their childhood someday. :)

      It's always the nice, sweethearts who get picked on too. I hate it.

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    3. It is so true. It's usually the child who is kind and good who gets picked on!

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  2. Sweetie you handled it beautifully & yes I did read the whole thing. You see bullies are a pet peeve of mine. I'm sure we all had our own bully to tend with, but this situation please also tell your children to always be aware of your surroundings. Children like that just don't up and STOP! They may have others that they get to do things for them & more than likely it's because they don't get enough love or respect at home or even could be beaten by their own parents so they take it out on other kids. I don't trust children like this so remember let your babies know that if they're afraid you run to an adult, be aware of their surroundings, but most importantly if they cannot handle the situation themselves an adult is the next best thing & never ever take anything from the bully. I just don't trust them. My opinion, but it is good you let the authorities aware of these types of situations. You chose a very appropriate song to go with this because every child is beautiful in their own way! She's definitely a cutie pie give her a hug for me.

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    1. Oh yea I remember being bullied as kid Marie and I had no help. i was in a government facility. Who was going to come to my help. I made it through with too many scars that still haunts me today and affect my life.

      I agree with you about the surroundings. Kids like that don't just stop, this is why I'm still very cautious!

      I completely agree with you! Absolutely. And just casually bring it up again and see how things are going. I haven't mentioned it in a few weeks nor have they. I haven't forgotten, but just waiting for the right time.
      My sweet babies have no idea what hate is or the need to be mean to others and it just breaks my heart that I have to warn them about other kids their age. Sigh.

      And I will give her more hugs Dolly from you.

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  3. You are right that none of us, regardless of age, is safe from bullying. They need to learn how to handle it and that you will have their back. That said - you deserve to know what happened in that meeting. You deserve to know what the punishment or consequences are. You are directly involved.
    I am glad your kids also have each other to watch out for the other.
    Your song today is beautiful.

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    1. Next time I'll insist on knowing. That was wrong to not have me involved as I had requested and also the other parent. I would want them there to represent their child also.

      Thank you :)

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  4. You handled this situation quite well. You rocked the Mom points!
    However, I am afraid she may move on to someone else. This girl clearly needs help.
    --------
    Your song is a perfect pick today too.

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    1. Thanks Naila.
      I just asked the kids about her and how things are on the school bus. They say she doesn't say much to them and when she does it's not anything mean. So I think she is in fear and just try not to speak to my kids, but she is still getting in trouble with other students. So sad.

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  5. My new son-in-law was bullied in school. I found out this last week, that one year for Halloween he could not go out trick-or-treating because his mother did not want him snacking down on gooey sweets with his braces, so he passed out the candy for the kids instead. When the bullies came by, he gave them rocks instead of candy.

    It is good to hear that all is well once again. I remember other girls coming after me. My mother finally switched my schools, then I was still bullied there, too. My husband was bullied so much that he vowed as a child that he would homeschool his children, and that is what we did.

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    1. I understand your husband outlook Danielle. I wanted to homeschool too and that was also one of the reasons. I would take my kids to the playground before they were old enough for school and it was shocking to see the behaviours from children!

      It's terrible. If our children aren't taught to love and see us show empathy and learn to do this, then they grow up as shells and so they can do anything without remorse.

      Thanks for sharing with me.

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  6. Aw, poor little girl - I am so sorry she had to experience that. But so happy you did get a happy ending after all. But oh my.....such a mean spirit and violence!! in the other little girl. what the??? Where is the parenting there -- because I have to believe that speaks to parenting. I know we shouldn't judge, but there is a reason that little girl is so intent on spreading her vile into the world; and I don't think it is all her fault.
    We actually have bus monitors up here. And some buses have video cameras on them too. There is a zero tolerance policy -- you cause trouble on the bus: you're walking, plain and simple. I saw it happen to some triplets boys who were completely out of control. They got banned for the rest of the year.
    But a beautiful song indeed to end with. If we all remember this, there would be no need to be so angry at the world and inflict our hurts on another.

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    1. I have to agree Rory. I try not to judge, but how can a little girl like that feels it's okay to treat even her own sister like that? It seems to be something coming out of the home.

      That is hard to see such vileness from a young child.

      I would absolutely volunteer to monitor the bus if necessary. Children shouldn't have to fear riding on the bus!
      I hope we can get monitors on because the drivers can only do so much!

      Thank you.

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  7. Bullying has to met face on. Like you said, some kids act out when they think they will not be caught, or sometimes kids lash out because of problems at home. What gets me more than anything is when parents side with their ill behaving children, instead of correcting the problem through some form of punishment. You did well to come to your child's aid and thankfully this storm has blown over. Great to dance with you!

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    1. Thank you Cathy.
      I believe too that it has to be met face to face. Running doesn't help at all.

      I'll just keep monitoring how things are.

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  8. Oh my goodness. I am so sorry for what your daughter, son and you have had to go through. Reading that brought back so many memories for me. I am so glad there are anti-bullying measures in place today. You are teaching your children the correct way to deal with those kinds of situations. I, too, cannot imagine how such a young child could have said such awful things, either.

    Loved your musical selection this week.

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    1. Thank you Kim.
      I do remember what I went through as a child and I cannot allow my children to have those unnecessary scars if I can help it.

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  9. My goodness. That would give me anxiety and fear no doubt. I would have gone to the principal or the parent, but then, we have a very small school. It's different scenarios. Great job mama! Poor baby that she had to go through the bullying. My daughter have a push over and a greed in her class too, I've been working with her to put this girl in her place...Your post reminds me to make sure to check again today.

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    1. Thank you Amanda. I don't remember fear or anxiety at all. I was just so mad. My daughter is six. She loves everybody and it was hard to see her coming home crying.
      I want to teach her, never run. Stand and fight.
      But I also want to teach her peace. So I have to give balance.
      And also let her know: Mama is here to hold your back.

      Do check again girl. Sometimes our kids will stop talking about it. And that is painful when they suffer in silence.

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