Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self. Cyril Connolly (1903 - 1974)


I Am That Child - That Foster Child

I am that child.
I was never a foster child. I would have loved to have been. I would have loved to have had a family that wanted me as part of their family. I had prayed that prayer and yearned after families all too often, to tears and hopelessness.

And so, I wanted to be that family that would be a hope and a love and a foundation to a few foster/adopted children. I prayed for this and yearned for this and still do.
But the dynamics of my family have failed me. I am upset and disappointed because I feel I've failed what I want and wanted to be so desperately.
I think a home that invites another child into it, should be loving and stable. I do not think this is so within my family and perhaps it would be harder to foster and/or adopt because I am that child and I know what a child like that would need more than anything. But God is good and he understands and doesn't have a timeline of being late on anything.

I grew up in orphanages (girls' homes). This leaves quite a destruction on the heart and if you somehow escape intact of sorts and able to function well in life, then you want to make things better.
I was always in survival mode in these places and I think I remain this way now as an adult, a mom, a wife. And sadly even my adult life has put me on this same path of being in survival mode. It is not okay, but you can't control other peoples behaviour towards you.

There were times when I was invited to stay with someone or a family for a weekend or week, during a holiday while in the orphanages, and it was filled with fear, and hope and longing and the feeling of not belonging.
Sadly if the family already had children, they'd definitely let you know and feel that you don't belong. It's so important to teach children about kindness and how to always handle other people's hearts gently. That was painful to experience.

But I had something. I didn't want to fall by the wayside. I didn't want to get pregnant and stuck somewhere in a bush shack.
I didn't know of a future, but I know that I wanted to be something and do something else than what I saw happening to all the broken girls around me. I wanted to help. I wanted to love well.

I still try to handle all of that destruction as best as I can. I have God's help.
I still have that over-hanging feeling of "I don't belong" even in my own home.
It is hard to explain.

So if you get a chance to give that love and foundation to a child, please do. They are longing for your love and care. I was that child.

I am Colette. I am busy and screeching in late! I have two kids and I've always wanted 5 with the adoption of 2 to make 7. I LOVE kids! I'm a cultural mix of different countries. I love learning and sharing about everything that affects our lives. Consider me an eclectic blogger. Visit me and let's help to make life better for everyone! Please read my disclosure 
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  1. Ah but you do belong wherever God has placed you. As you know, you are the daughter of the King. :) I highly suspect that you provide the love for your family and are the rock for them, that they need. They will remember it forever more, as I do with my grandma who has been gone now for a very long time.

    1. Thank you dear Rosey.
      I am trying and keep going with God's help. *hug*


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